It Started With a Teapot
by frozendefeat
Summary: The Gryffindor table has been turned into a teapot. This starts the most unlikely chain of events. Is Malfoy going mad? Why does he keep refering to himself as Hermione? Includes random pairings: Snape/McGonagal and loads others.


**Hello!** I have been absent from this website for quite a while due to the inescapable problems of my life. I SINCERLEY apologize!  
This is a new story which I will be continuing. I have no idea when I will be updating (I have learnt I should not make promises of when I will update). The pairing Draco/Hermione will continue throughout the story. You will also hear about various incidents and pairings happening in the Wizarding World, mostly at Hogwarts I think.

So please let me know what you think of this and of any ideas of what you would like to see in the story! Enjoy.

* * *

Dumbledore pointed his wand at the Gryffindor table- now a giant china teapot, with a cute spout and all. It made me want to sing that teapot song...what was it again? Polly put the kettle on? Nope not that one. I've got it! It was hiding; you know where all the excess thoughts go. Like your mothers birthday, maths, pretty much anything you learn at school, dentist appointments, your own birthday...you kind of have to bash your head around a bit to get the information you want to the surface.

Here it goes!

_I'm a little Teapot  
Short and stout,  
Here is my handle,  
Here is my spout.  
When I get all steamed up  
Hear me shout,  
Just tip me over  
And pour me out!_

_I'm a very..._

So, yeah, then he (Dumbledore, not the teapot) cried out "Corpus Vicissitudo!" while twirling his wand anti-clockwise. Suddenly there was a loud _crack!_ Out of the top of the teapot gusts of red smoke burst out. The smoke shot toward the ceiling then seemingly rebounded right off of it down to the floor. As soon as the first gust of smoke hit the ground it exploded, showering the Great Hall with droplets of tea. One after the other the balls of smoke ricocheted out of the teapot.

Students ran screaming hysterically and most of their attempts to reach the exit failed in all the chaos. Food and cutlery scattered the hall. The stone floor received large cracks and a lovely new paint job, courtesy of the house elves great welcome feast.

**~*~*~^**

Severus Snape dived over the teachers table to avoid another smoky explosion. Minerva McGonagall dived after him, while transforming into a cat to enable herself to land gracefully. Instead of landing elegantly atop Snape's head, the sounds of more explosions and the jolts the great hall was receiving jerked her from her concentration, causing her to land on top of Snape - not in her cat form, but human and not fully clothed. She had never really been good at replacing her clothes on her after her transformation. Although never before had this happened, an embarrassing situation where she had not put back on all her clothes, in public.

McGonagall blushed as she looked down at herself perching on top of Severus Snape. Instead of her long plain brown skirt she hand been wearing she found herself in her underclothes. Which were very see through stockings that revealed most of her knickers (which were rather revealing in their own way).

Time had seemed to slow as soon as she had landed. More than a hundred children stared at her for a long time amidst the chaos which they had only then just chosen to ignore. They stared at her with shocked expressions and some of the boys (she really didn't want to thing about it) terror.  
Well she was not wearing her nicest under clothes. The stockings were rather transparent and had a lot of frills, which in her opinion were absolutely fine but the knickers she had on were her least favourite. They were too revealing and a little bit too lacy. She had been given them as a gift from her sister who enjoyed shopping for clothes and especially lingerie. She mentally smacked herself for even thinking the word. Her niece had so kindly said that you did not call it lingerie unless you were currently having sex with someone. She did think it was rather good advise though.

So of course the students would be staring in horror, at an old lady wearing awful ling - _knickers_and absolutely nothing to cover herself up. To add to it...she was sitting on SEVERUS SNAPE'S lap.

At last time seemed to speed up again and the last explosion from the teapot was witnessed as Albus Dumbledore pointed his wand at the teapot once again and shouted "Corpus Vicissitudo!" this time he used the correct wand movement which was twirl clockwise and flick.

Minerva scrambled up off of Snape and replaced her skirt with a flick of her wand.

**~*~*~^**

Beside the incident between the two teachers, no one was hurt too badly or so they thought until...

"Whaaaahaaaaaahaaaaahh!" There was a deafening scream. That came from the mouth of Hermione Granger!

Just kidding it was Draco Malfoy! Wait a minute there is something fishy going on here. Malfoy's voice sounded very much like bossy-boots Granger's voice when he screamed.

I always knew Malfoy's screamed like girls.

Ouch! My ears! Now they are both screaming. A shrill girl's voice coming from Draco Malfoy's mouth and a deeper sounding voice coming out of Hermione Granger's mouth.

Then Granger started shouting in her deep and (very suspiciously Malfoy sounding voice) "Ughhh! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Somebody help me! I'm fucking inside Granger! Get me out! Get me out! I don't wanna be inside the mudblood bitch! Ughh!"

Well...that just cracked me up!

The rest of Hogwarts were immensely terrified once again. The new cause: what Hermione Granger had just shouted.  
The screaming started again from the rest of the students and teachers, this time screams of disgust. Ronald Weasley then jumped out of his place in the rubble (where he had been scavenging what remained of the feast). He sprinted to Granger grabbed hold of her shoulders and shook her. "Hermione did you hit your head? What the bloody fucking hell are you talking about? Why'd you call yourself-?"

"GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME WEASLEY!" Shouted Hermione, who looked utterly disgusted.  
"Hermione!" Weasley gasped. "What are you-?"  
"Ron..." Malfoy interrupted in his bossy girl voice. "Ron, I am over here! It's me, Hermione. I think I am stuck in Malfoy's body."

There stood Draco Malfoy (or Hermione as he is now calling himself) talking in a girly voice(a precise imitation of Granger's to be exact), calling a Weasley by his first name and looking as if he is about to burst into tears.

Whoa, now that is surreal! Seriously, I am starting to think this is a hallucination.

"Then why does Mr Malfoy's body have tits?" Eyes shot to the speaker then to Malfoy (who really did have breasts) then back to...Professor Flitwick, the person had commented. He was eyeing Malfoy's newly found breasts eagerly.

Aha! I always knew he was a perverted midget!

Then Malfoy's fan girls (and boys) fainted. I was actually starting to feel sympathetic for them. Personally I would have died if I had just found out that my most favourite, beautiful man in the world had breasts and Hermione Granger's voice.

I still pity Malfoy more. He has to deal with breasts, Granger's voice and hallucinations that he is her.

Okay then, back to what happened next. Dumbledore pops himself into the conversation and said "My, my Mr Malfoy you are looking rather fabulous today, new additions and all." He was also eyeing Malfoy's (originally Granger's) breasts.

He and Flitwick should form a club.

'_**Pervy old men (of all sizes) that prey on the male youth with breasts.**_

_Member 1: Professor Flitwick (Founder)  
Occupation: Charms professor  
Size: Midget  
Age: Unknown  
Currently Perving Over: Draco Malfoy_

_Member 2: Professor Dumbledore (Co-founder)  
Occupation: Hogwarts Headmaster  
Size: Too tall  
Age: Unknown  
Currently Perving Over: Draco Malfoy_

_We welcome old all men, of any size and height from any race (nocturnal or other) to join our religious adventure of ceremoniously stalking the male youth that have either obtained their breasts through magical means or ingestion of the herb Mammarial Mimbletonia.  
We charge 2 sickles a month for your use of our equipment._

_Contact: Professor Flitwick (founder), by Floo powder or Owl.  
Charms Office, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._

_Or Contact: Professor Albus Dumbledore (co-founder), by Floo powder or Owl.  
Headmasters office, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.'_

She shook herself out of her imagination and continued to watch the commotion.  
"Professor! It's Hermione, Hermione Granger! I am stuck in Malfoy's body!"  
Dumbledore looked at Malfoy (Granger...?) disbelievingly, and then obviously decided to play along with their charade. "Oh, right. Of course, Mr Mal-Miss Granger," He hurriedly.

"Just get us out!" shouted Granger (Malfoy).

"Well, err..." He looked at them both suspiciously again and changed his expression at the sight of their faces. "I don't really know how!" He said guiltily.

WHAT! I thought he was supposed to be a walking encyclopedia complete with all volumes?  
"I will have to do some research." He continued. "The other option would be to go to St. Mungos. They may possibly have a cure."

"NOOOO!" the two disfigured people (Malfoy and Granger) cried in unison.  
Yup I agree. That would be instant chaos. With the whole Wizarding world involved in seconds!

So that, from my point of view was the story of how Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy lived for the rest of their lives.

Well maybe not...Do Hermione and Draco get their own bodies back? Does the Pervy Old Men Club receive any new recruits? What happens to Snape and McGonagall?

Stay tuned to hear of more Hogwart's chaos!


End file.
